Identities, Definitions and Protocols: No Cookie Cutter Answers

I was asked last week if the talks I was having with someone would constitute "mentoring." I use quotes because I was asked if I would consider it a Fetlife-applicable relationship and add Mentor to my profile. It came with a predefined ideal - not that it's a bad thing - but it made me think if what we were doing was, indeed, mentoring. Did it fit the definition of mentoring in order to warrant a relationship connection? Not that I mind it, do not misunderstand. In fact, I am flattered and honored. But I thought of the mentoring relationships to which I am exposed and I don't see the same styles. I started to wonder how it was defined, by whom, and what exactly it might entail.

And then I wondered why the hell it mattered how others would define it?

Apropos, as our conversations have revolved around what it means to be a Switch in the BDSM community. I have found that it takes a strong personality (usually; there have been a few exceptions in my journeys) to enjoy both Topping and bottoming. Switches can be Dom/mes and subs, Sadists and masochists, Masters, Mistresses and slaves. (Or as my gemini persona - it's not just a name - embraces them to be: options!)

My friend and I were, at the time we started having these talks, in very different situations. I have always known I am a Switch. I understood it to be that she was coming out of only submissive roles. I was a masochist and play partner to a fabulous Sadist, she was a girlfriend and submissive to, and under consideration for a collar from, her Mistress.

She and I have had conversations that covered concerns over protocols, definitions, relationships, and emotions. Everyone's idea of what is applicable and appropriate is different; everyone has a different definition. This isn't to say that the dictionary (urban, wikipedia, Webster's, or otherwise) isn't technically  and generally correct (I am not checking them all to be sure, just go with me)... but my contention has been through these talks - and, truly, in my years of kink and my year in a D/s community - that each person and each relationship must create these definitions and protocols for themselves.

I recently said the following about BDSM relationships and protocols while in the midst of a different discussion about my own relationship(s):

.... Hell, there are no true standards if you read about it and talk to people. There are broad, acceptable genres, but each of the participants crafts their standards and protocols with the people in their relationships. Interpretation and adaptation is key. No two D/s relationships (hell, no two relationships anywhere) are the same or should be held to the same rules.

What am I trying to say? What's good for the goose is not always good for the gander, and if all my friends jumped off a bridge, I most likely won't go running after them to do the same.

Or more bluntly... cookie cutter relationships and emotions do not exist and to pretend otherwise is a farce.

When you consider the multifaceted relationships in the BDSM community, it becomes even more important to understand and accept that your version, what works for you, isn't going to translate as perfectly to someone else's situation.

The lovely (and loved) SmitefulSinner recently posted on "love" being a loaded word and made a point of showing how we (in general) are subjected to fantastic definitions and standards of and for love that, in reality, exhibit little "real" life. The point is that how love is defined is broad and varied. When I read her blog, I told her I felt it fitting considering what I was working on (and yes, I told her I was going to reference her).

When considering protocols in a D/s relationship, it is much the same. We can read about it, talk to people in our lives and in our community, in other communities. We can join online communities and discussion groups. Hell, you can't throw a flogger around any of these without getting a different definition or description of acceptable protocol and relationships. Even the word "definition" has a few a definitions!

So now that I have beat the "you say tomato, I say tomato" adage to death, I bring us back to the real life examples and impetus for this and why this became, to me, important enough to spew onto these digital pages:

My friend now identifies as a Switch where before she identified as a submissive. She said it was, in part, inspired by my own profile wherein I make it clear that I am not a submissive... but I can be submissive. (It was this quote from my profile that started us down this road.) She feels very strongly that there is a Dominant side of her and she wants to cultivate that, explore that, and learn more about my (and others') experiences so she can learn more about what appeals to her and help her learn and grow.

How that will affect her journey I can't say nor will I pretend to have any grand ideas for her. But, she has so far used this exploration to better define who she is, what she wants, and with whom. It has opened her eyes to resources available to her, and that is, after all, what learning and the journey are all about.. yes? She has opened up about her desires to those closest to her and she has found support in being the best person she wants to be.

She has had some difficulties with definition, hers or others, and the idea of protocols has been a sticking point with a few people (again, the biggest impetus for these discussions and now this blog). This isn't a bad thing in my opinion, especially because it was in discussing all of this with her that I was able to use my own life changes as - I hope - a positive example of adaptation, interpretation, personal values, and definitions.

Since she and I started talking, Deviant and I have formalized our own relationship. I am a Switch. I still love to Top and I love to be his bottom, his masochist. I also submit to him. He collared me, he owns me. And none of this is mutually exclusive. We know how it fits, we know how it will work for us, and we are very aware of the worldview of certain protocols and definitions... and we're adapting and creating what we need to as it fits our relationship. I, too, will learn and grow. I am not giving anything up by this change (I was asked/accused of giving up too much "just to be a sub."). In fact, I feel quite the opposite. I feel as I will have so much more to do and learn and be that it will enhance my experiences across the board.

As much as I hope I can impart something from what I have learned. I am learning from my friend, too. I am learning from Deviant as he and I move forward. I am learning from her Mistress as I discuss with them what I think Mentoring will mean.

I am learning that my definitions, already accepted by me and mine as appropriate for our situations, are adaptable still as life moves forward and as this journey progresses.

However that's defined. ;)