Musings of a Misstep, a Mindfuck and a Moral (Part II, the session)

I was early. The grey weather persisted and subsequent influx of bad drivers to the Las Vegas valley had me worried about traffic and road safety. I left my house about 30 minutes earlier than normal and still arrived only 15 minutes early. His wife greeted me at the door and after chatting for a few minutes offered me a drink and said that Deviant requested I wait for him in the play room. I declined the beverage and headed upstairs.

Already waiting on the dresser were the requisite blue and orange plastic cups with ice water. I also noticed a switch on the floor, the Hitachi, and a few other items out of place. I lit the candles and put the toys away, then sat on the stool by the dressers. I waited, hands folded, listening to the shower down the hall and looking around the room. I always feel so cocooned there, so shielded, so protected. Odd? Maybe, considering I was there to be dominated physically and mentally, consensually injured. But I also know I am safe.

This session was not planned as much as it was... needed. My head was in a fog, I was a bit jumbled, and I was letting things bother me that did not deserve that kind of time. In truth, it was a mess of small things mostly, but between the mindfuck, the heartbreaking community service, some confusing inner monologues and a little inherent holiday sadness, it was all precariously unbalanced in my head and in my heart... I just needed some perspective, a little ego stroke, and a reminder that I was amazing, I could handle it all and then some, and I could take whatever it was that was thrown at me.... with a smile and maybe some glitter.

Musings of a Misstep, a Mindfuck and a Moral (Part I)

Day One: Friday

I felt defeated.

I skipped the gym, lunch with friends, and went into hiding in my office. I spent an inordinate amount of time on Twitter (which, from a self-professed social media whore, is saying a lot). I was looking people in the eye less and less, there was no spring in my step, and my voice was flat. Online I could keep a good attitude, no one could see me crying. No one could see the pain in my eyes, the discomfort in my wan smile, or the growing sense of vulnerability and deflated value.

People noticed that I was behaving differently. It was obvious that something was different about me, something was making me uncomfortable, and taking away from my happiness. The gas station patrons eyed me with a wary caution, the FedEx agent asked me what was wrong, and my coworkers had to deal with tear-shined eyes and monosyllabic replies. I used email more than ever, because I didn't want to be bothered to interact with anyone more than I had to.

Before that, however...

A Few of My Favorite (Kinky) Things

I was tweeting with a friend and said I would rewrite this song and send it to her... Enjoy!

Ball gags and cock gags and whip marks on asses,
Bright steel handcuffs and leather straight jackets,
Willing boys' packages caged in CBT,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Pink colored bite marks and clothespins on nipples,
Face masks and zipped hoods and hard wooden paddles,
Beautiful girls pierced with bright needle wings
These are a few of my favorite things

Boys in lace panties with blue satin sashes
Face-slapping, foot worship, tears on eyelashes
Bondage rope, floggers, and canes, whips and chains,
These are a few of my favorite things

When a heel breaks
When my nails chip
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad

[Repeat all verses]

"You do not want to be punished by me." (a/k/a Failure is NOT an option.)

We were having a conversation about play, fetishes, and fantasies. That is when I got my first glimpse into our play session this week. I was already warming up, and then he asked...

Deviant: do you like gagging?
Gemini: Yes!!!
Deviant: rough?
Gemini: I like rough :)
Gemini: Fuck, I am all sorts of hot right now.
Gemini: Grrrrrr
Gemini: ;)
Deviant: NO TOUCHY
Deviant: till I see you
Deviant: :)
Deviant: I love being the Top
Gemini: Yes, Sir.
Gemini: grumble
Gemini: ;)
Gemini: I was so ready to excuse myself for 10, too
Deviant: I know

In addition to, or rather spawned by, our conversation, I was given the task to look up information online and present it to him so we could discuss it and see how we felt about integrating it into our play.

Deviant: think of it as a research project
Gemini: Deadline?
Deviant: 1 hour
Deviant: or next week sometime
Deviant: :)
Gemini: LOL
Deviant: the sooner you do it, the more excited I get which has positive results for you.
Gemini: Prob can't do an hour, but I can offer by morning?
Gemini: I understand. :)
Deviant: :)
Gemini: I want to please you, esp. since I can't pleasure myself. ;)
Gemini: OK, fair to say I would anyway, but I'm horny and feeling ornery. ;)
Deviant: you have never been punished by me
Deviant: I promise you don't want to be
Gemini: I understand. :)
Deviant: the kneeling on your hands was just the tip of the iceberg
Gemini: nods
Gemini: Thank you.

Three and a Third

I spent three days cringing, clenching, and panicking. I was not only assigned the task to edge (as in, almost there, but no orgasm allowed) no less than 12 and no more than 16 times, with the addition of an ice component after each instance... but I was also told we were going to do anal fisting.

Deviant: so since I broke your boob
Gemini: LOL
Deviant: i'll have to break your ass next. start preparing for some fisting :)
Gemini: OMG
Deviant: :)
Deviant: YUM!
Gemini: I have no words
Deviant: good:)
Deviant: i'm sure you will find a few
Deviant: so did you Google what's in store for you?
Gemini: Not yet, but that's the plan
Deviant: no need to, you're not going to be able to do anything :)
Gemini: I am scared, looking at these
Deviant: it prolly won't fit
Deviant: we sure are gonna try!!!

I spent three days and three nights downloading photos, watching videos, reading up on techniques, preparation, and potential harms. I bought a fresh, new enema kit in addition to some drug store enemas. I asked questions, I tried to mentally prepare, and...

I freaked the fuck out.

Therapy: "I don't need you. You are important."

"Mornin'." He sends her a message.

"It is, yes," she replies. "I need to resched if you'll allow."

"Aaahhh, no way. Really? :("

She feels badly. She knows he had plans for her. Devious, painful plans about which he was very excited.

She also knew he had been working hard to put it all together. And now, on top of everything else, she was disappointing him.

"Yeah, I am sorry. I am not in the right mind for play tonight. I wish I had a better statement, but I always promise honesty."

"What does that mean? Explain."

She wonders if she can explain. She's not even sure of her own understanding of what is going on. It was new but it wasn't. It had been... how long? She'd been going through this, in degrees, for quite some time.

She had been bouyed up and then crash-landed so many times she was not just a little surprised at how hard this was. Even more frustrating, she was giving it - giving him - power over her through her own, self-imposed emotional turmoil.

How do you tell someone this? How do you explain all of this to someone who is in an amazing relationship of his own and how can you think they can begin to understand? How do you admit, when you are strong and intelligent and vibrant, that you feel weak, vulnerable and dulled?

"Good Girl, Thank You"

“You’re early. I haven’t showered.”

“I’d rather be early than late. I can wait in the car if you like.” She is a smart ass, but she is nervous.

“No, no. I just need to decide what to do with you.” He smiles.

He lets her in and gives her a hug; a comforting, quieting, full-body hug. She is instantly at ease, she feels safe.

He leads her into the kitchen and offers her something to drink. Accepting a glass of water, they chat a moment, and he instructs her to leave her purse and grab her other bag. He leads her to his play room.

She’s blown away and some of the anxious feeling she carried all day and mulled on her drive over - that nervousness quelled by his earlier embrace - came back to flutter her heart, if only a little. His collection was impressive… daunting even. A small shop’s worth of paddles and floggers, whips and canes, leather hoods, steel handcuffs, straps, gags… she may have gasped a little. Was that a… what the hell do you do with that?

She asks herself if she is truly prepared for this.

How many blogs does one person need?

In truth, this is probably the fourth or fifth blog I own and manage. I will - most likely - consolidate some older ones into this one, and keep one more that is specific to my lifestyle choices. This one will be more inclusive of everyday musings. That is not to say it won't cross over... the age-checker when you load this blog has that part covered, just in case.

But, I digress.

Welcome to another online incarnation of my social-media-whoredom and need to overshare. Feel free to ask questions, follow me if you like, and ignore me if you don't. ;-) Either way, everyone will end up getting something they want... how is that bad?

Wait, what did I call this? Ah, yes, another peek into my social-media-whoredom (whoring?). I am addicted, I can admit it, to social media and online communication. I live through my CrackBerry and I am way more connected than any human being needs to be. Just plug me into the Matrix, and I am happy girl.

This is not to say I don't have a "normal" life off the grid. I don't live in my parent's basement with a headset and a bluish monitor glow. I have an active social life and a fabulous job. I am working on a master's degree, I travel, I host visiting friends (many of whom I have met from my own travels), and I love to go out and be and do (do be do be do...). But I am keenly aware of how the internet and cell phones and other technology have taken over my life. A friend once called me "Gemini of Borg," and it's fitting.

Add to that the fact that I am a social animal of the highest Kingdom (phylum, order, etc.), and it's a maelstrom of status updates, Twitpics, and random ribbing of thousands of strangers to whom I have become connected. All in all, a good day.

So don't be a stranger. Say Hi, tell me to fuck off... whatever works for you. Either way, I am sure it will be entertainment of all sorts.

Gemini