Look at me (differently!)

This was a response I write to a community post about feeling angry when the dating world treats you differently as an obese person versus a thinner person.

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Some disclaimers:

-- This is far from scientific
-- This is not about the person, but PARTS of their personality
-- There are a lot of generalizations (i.e. what and who is attractive), but I didn't want to make this too long with caveats every third sentence. You get the idea.
-- This is NOT a judgment. I have a lot of overwight, obese, fat, etc. friends and amazing people in my life. This is about MY decision(s) and what *I* need to do with MY life.

There was an interesting quote on an episode of House (see, I told you it wasn't scientific) wherein Dr. House states (paraphrasing, can't find the exact quote): "You can't be with him. 9s go with 9s, 4s go with 4s. He's at best a 6, and you're an 11."

Generally speaking, one can see this in our society. We're attracted to pretty people, fit people, because it means (a) they're nice to look at and, more important, (b) it implies health necessary for propogation of the species. Sure, there are breaks from that standard, but it's pretty fitting (no pun intended), nonetheless.

There is more that goes into this than just looks, and I don't even mean general personality. The ugly truth (pun intended here) is that bad habits commiserate with bad habits. That adage about misery loving company? It applies to more than just mental issues, it applies to bad eating habits, justification of sedentary lifestyles, and all of the other destructive habits we carry as burdens, trophies, and shields. Obese people tend to have more obese friends than anyone else. Thin people have more thin friends.

My immediate family is a shining example: My father died of ill-controlled diabetes (which caused a number of mental, cardiac, renal, and opthamological issues). He was 64, Type II for 20 years or so, and did so little to control it as to cause a snowball effect. My mother has had a stroke (smoker, sedentary, refuses to go to doctors and dentists and has been like this all my life). She is 60 this year, and on the fast track to not making it to 61. My sister and BIL, older brother and my eldest SIL (who is Type I), do nothing but justify bad nutrition, bad habits, and overindulgence. They support these bad habits, this detrimental lifestyle, as if it is some kind of reward for earlier life experiences.

My ex-husband was one of them: eat crap, don't move.

The only one of these people who support(ed) me for making good choices was my late father. Everyone else has excluded me as much as possible because, as my boss says it, "[i] am the one walking out of the smoky garage saying [i] don't want to smoke the weed anymore." I am now an outsider, a representative of all the things that they themselves SHOULD be doing but WILL NOT... because in each other they can find a way to accept and be accepted for not trying.

I made myself fat and, while I firmly believe that WHO a person is shouldn't be defined by HOW they look, fat is part of who I am. Rather, who I was. They can't be separated because ultimately, it is me that made my decisions, no one else. But I am changing that. I am emerging from that, literally and figuratively.

I *hope* that I get more attention as a thin person. I am not angry about that concept, I see it as appropriate. The WHO will no longer be hidden by the WHAT, and I will have every opportunity to expand my support network with people with good habits, good attitudes toward food, exercise, and living the life we were all meant to live.

Carrying anger or having unrealistic expectations about the reactions of others is the surest way to add another shield to the already-bulging shields that most obese people carry. Step away from that, and enjoy what you are doing. If it means more attention and more friends, great. You don't have to abandon your old friends, it's not about that. It's about adding to your life and moving forward as a healthier person overall.